Last night I was tasked to give my other class, on passenger safety and emergency escape from a ditching helicopter. I was to give it to 15-20 Australian soldiers that we've got embarked.

The traditional military briefing is deadly dull, and I think the biggest reason I've recently developed a reputation as a good briefer is that I put as many jokes in the class as possible. (I also talk fast, which gets it over with.) So I needed some jokes for the Australians.

I first considered introducing every stereotype I know. You know, say something like "I'd like to welcome you all aboard the USS Boat. I know many of you may have had bad experiences with large ships conducting 'transportation' in the past, but I'd like to assure you our brig is quite comfortable. As most of you already know. In addition, I understand the mess deck is setting up a barbie this very moment, and the helos should be coming back with some fresh 'roo meat this evening for you all."

That wasn't working for me, so I decided to go with the other classic bit, which is to mistake your audience for some other group. I worked with some New Zealanders in Afghanistan, and the Kiwis are sensitive about being mistaken for Australians, so I figured the reverse would work too.

So I opened with "Good evening gentlemen. Before I get to my presentation, I just want to say I'm thrilled to be down in this part of the world. When we get a little shore leave, I'm hoping I can see some of the places where they filmed 'Lord of the Rings'- that terrain is just astonishinly gorgeous. And while it's a little early to be taking uniform trades, I was wondering if someone would be willing to take one of my eight-point covers in exchange for those cool black hats with the kiwi on the front? Those things rock!"

At the LotR line, the senior Australian officer slumped in his seat and put his hands over his face. The American Marine captain that had brought me in doesn't know me, and was frantically signalling from the back of the classroom. Capt. K_, who does know me, was in the back of the room trying to keep from laughing.

I had a few more Kiwi jokes ready, but after the hats comment, the junior troops in the front row were balling up their fists and scooting to the edges of their seats in a manner I found threatening. While I have much better hand-to-hand combat skills than most of my compatriots realize, I'm not sure I could defeat a dozen angry Australians without significant injury to some of the participants, and then it's an international incident and people call me into their offices and say mean things to me.

So I said "Hah, just kidding! You guys own one seventh of the world's supply of continents, I thought you could use a little ribbing. We love Australians! To heck with those pansies that use a fat flightless duck as a national symbol!", and then there was laughter, merriment, and I was all right again.

Posted by: Boviate at 02:01 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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