July 18, 2008

Iron Man

When the Burma mission was called off and we all got back together on the Essex, the Thailand shore party (bunch of skaters!) brought with them a bootleg copy of Iron Man. After watching it, I'm not impressed. I kept yelling at the screen for the general idiocy going on. Just a few points will illustrate my irritation:

1) Iron Man's power source on his chest provides, as the hero ("Tony Stark") declares, "Three gigajoules per second." Gee, if only there was some kind of unit of measure equivalent to a joule per second. It's really cumbersome, the way we label light bulbs as "100 joules per second" and "60 joules per second" and so forth. Stark is supposed to have summa cum laude engineering degree from MIT. I dunno what the hell they're teaching these days, if MIT grads don't know what a joule per second is.

2) That power source, which looks to be about ten cubic inches in size, puts out 50% more power than the Hoover Dam. It is highly unclear why Stark Industries is a defense contractor. His power source kicks cold fusion to the curb. Weapons are low-margin: he could make much more money by putting the oil and coal industries out of business.* The power supply also appears to not give off any unpleasant radiation or pollution, seeing as how it's inserted into his chest.

3) Stark claims that the power source will produce energy for "three lifetimes". I'll estimate that to be three hundred years. So it'll produce 2.840E+19 joules over it's lifetime. For comparison, that's roughtly the energy given off by the detonation of a 14.7 megaton bomb. Per e=mc^2, it'll convert 316 Kg of matter into energy over that lifetime.

4) Our hero is warned that he's been neglecting the business, and the board has removed him from control of Stark Industries. He complains that "I own 56% of the voting shares!". His assistant sadly shakes his head and says "Yes, but the board has rights too, and they just removed you." Seeing as how it's a major American defense contractor, I'll assume that his company is incorporated in the United States. In which case the board doesn't have any rights other than whatever rights Tony wants to give them. The next scene in the move should have gone down like this: Stark gives one share as a gift to his secretary. He announces a shareholder's meeting to begin sixty seconds from now. One minute later, he calls for a quorum: because he's in the room, they've got it. He moves that all the directors be fired effective immediatly. His secretary seconds. The motion carries, 56% of shares voting in favor. The laws on corporations generally require a board of directors, so he now nominates a new slate of directors, to consist of himself, his secretary, and his dog. Motion carries with 56% of shares voting yes. Move to adjourn. Next, the new board of directors appoints one Tony Stark as new CEO of Stark Industries, and recommends he take out a full-page ad in the New York times, to consist of photographs of the old board of directors, under the headline "You Lose, Suckers!"

Now, I'm told that according to the comic, #4 would never occur to Stark, because he's a drunken idiot. But he's not protrayed that way in the movie, plus he has a loyal assistant who certainly would know the way companies work.

All that above is criticism to the movie's writing and worldbuilding. The actors do a credible job, at least as good as the typical superhero movie. Similarly, the directing is unoffensive, if also uncreative. And I didn't spot any boom mics hanging into the picture, so I guess that counts for something.

In general, I wouldn't recommend spending money watching this movie. Wait for it to show up on network TV. Or skip it entirely.


* Footnote: Oil would still be useful as a petrochemical feedstock, and coal to purify into carbon for steel and other industries. But Stark's power supply would replace most forms of internal and external combustion overnight. And we know that his power source is incredibly cheap to manufacture, because he builds one out of scrap metal inside a cave in Afghanistan.

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